Ema/Very Early Release/Reschedule
Apologies for being so late to this when we had TON of ostrich and ostrich-adjacent news recently!
EMA
The title is not a typo, because (FUN FACT) the Portuguese word for rhea is “ema.” Which is very close to “emu” but not quite, because rheas are NOT EMUS, despite what the fake news wants you to think.
A few weeks ago, a heroic rhea (South America’s ostrich) attacked the president of Brazil, Jair Bolsonaro. Bolsonaro is the super-right-wing guy who wants to chop down the rainforest and is an asshole about pretty much everything else, too. He also thought that coronavirus wasn’t much of a threat to him or his country. Brazil is now one of the worst-hit countries in the world and Bolsonaro got coronavirus, too. So that worked out great.
While Bolsonaro was holed up in his palace being sick and chomping on hydroxycholoroquine pills, he decided to go for a walk and feed the flock of rheas (FUN FACT: a group of emus is called a “mob,” but that doesn’t apply here because rheas are NOT EMUS) that hang out there, I guess? They bit him.
A few days later, they bit him again!
Of course, the lamestream media, by and large, doesn’t know what a rhea is so we got a bunch of headlines like this:
Also, Matilda from Matilda (1996):
IT’S NOT AN EMU!!!!
At least the Guardian got it right:
Anyway, Bolsonaro does not appear to have learned his lesson about any of this and now he’s trying to feed the rheas hydroxychloroquine. Also, his wife now has coronavirus.
(FUN FACT: There are no known cases of rheas contracting coronavirus.)
VERY EARLY RELEASE
In other coronavirus news, the most famous ostrich leather jacket owner ever, Paul Manafort, was released from prison in May after serving just 23 months of his seven and half year sentence over fears that he would get coronavirus there and die. So now he’s sitting around at home while other inmates who aren’t lucky enough to be friends with the president stay in jail and die.
Manafort was able to keep his ostrich jacket (list price: $15,000) so maybe he’s sitting on his couch right now wearing it and thinking about how he pretty much got away with everything, even when it sure seemed like he didn’t.
RESCHEDULE
Looks like Chandler, Arizona’s Ostrich Festival is BACK ON!
That’s right, it’s “coming at ya!!” Hope you can make it that weekend, people who bought non-refundable tickets for the original dates! Hope coronavirus isn’t a threat by then, forcing the festival to cancel again! Is Arizona still the number one coronavirus hotspot in the entire world? Fingers crossed for herd immunity!
We don’t know who the headline music acts are yet but I’m sure they’ll be just as great as the intended March lineup of 98 degrees, Blues Traveler, and the Pointer Sisters. This thing is sure to attract some big crowds, who will all stand way too close to each other and probably not even wear masks because that’s what true freedom is.
OSTRICH MULTIMEDIA OF THE WEEK
Especially for my Australian fans (which I have): Two emus (actual emus, not rheas) have been banned from an Australian hotel/pub for “bad behaviour.” Their names are Kevin and Carol, and they eat all the food and poop all over the place. They recently learned how to climb stairs, which was apparently the last straw.